What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 15:25
Put me off passion for life!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I don,t even have a pension.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Dicta numquam repudiandae corrupti labore ea facere.
But it wasn’t much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When you visit a store, do you go to shop or buy?
Was to survive, this bastard.
He knew the spot.
She loved him until the end.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Would this be the day?
She wouldn,t have been !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It was going to be , some day.
She married twice! .
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why is money considered to be the root of all evil?
I will be 64.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I think the readers, may guess!
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I waited trembling.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So whats the point in blame.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So, i spoilt her more .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is soul school!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Ive learnt so much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot live in the past .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was seconnd youngest,
She was in good health!
Who then, do I blame.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Comes on , in middle age.
We were not on the streets..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But, we were locked up after school.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!